Hi! I’m back. I was sick all of last week and then Sunday was Easter, so the weekend was a whirlwind. But regular life must resume, so I am back at my keyboard today.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about today, but I guess I will share what God has been showing me recently. Of course, much of my devotional time this week was spent meditating on the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ, but over the last month, God has been showing me more and more about redeeming love.
Those of you who know me in real life know that my husband and I adopted our youngest son in 2015 as a twenty-seven month old toddler. My son, who I will call Little Man, laughs and plays and sings and runs. To an outsider, most of the time Little Man seems just like every other five year old boy. They don’t have any idea how hard he has fought to be where he is today.
A few days ago, I was standing in my kitchen, washing dishes. Through the window in front of me, I watched my children playing in the backyard with some neighborhood friends. Little Man came running up from the wooded area by the pond, holding a handful of dried leaves to throw in the air, an expression of pure happiness on his face.
My heart melted. All the trauma, all the tears, anxieties, tantrums, and difficulties faded away, and all I could see was this little boy who was happy. He was safe, healthy, well-fed, and loved, and for that perfect moment in time, it all came together and he could enjoy himself instead of being afraid. How thankful I am that God gave him to us! What a privilege to be a part of the miracle of healing a wounded heart.
That’s not to say that he has completely recovered from all the trauma he has endured. Little Man still struggles terribly with anxiety. Every day, multiple times, he asks if I am going to leave him.
“Mama, don’t leave me. If you leave me, I will cry.”
“Mama, is some bad man going to come and take you away from me?”
“Mama, mama! Don’t leave me, please!”
“Mama, you are going to leave me. YOU ARE!”
Sometimes he can put more of his anxieties into words.
“Mama, I am scared at preschool because I don’t know if you will pick me up.”
“Mama, I was lonely before you and Daddy came to get me. I used to sit and cry in my crib. Please don’t send me back.”
My heart breaks at these words. Little Man has been home for THREE years. I am there for him every day. I pick him up at preschool every time. Still he is terrified that I will leave him alone.
So I hold him and love him and tell him, “Mama will never leave you. Mama will love you forever.”
I look into his eyes, past his bit-off fingernails, past his slobbery chin from chewing on his hands in fear, into his eyes that still won’t focus on mine for long, and I see inside. Down deep to his fear of rejection, his fear of enduring abandonment once more by a caretaker he loves.
I breathe love into him, my love, his father’s love, but mostly God’s love. We talk about God.
“God loves you, Little Man. He made you special.”
We talk about how Jesus loves him so much that He died on the cross in Little Man’s place.
“Jesus loves you. He loves you more than life itself.”
I tell him that Jesus wants Little Man to be in His family, to be free from anxiety and fear, and one day to live in Heaven with Him. Little Man loves this story, and he asks for it over and over. Sometimes he rejects it and screams and laughs maniacally to get me to stop talking, but other times he listens and the comfort God offers touches him.
Over time, I can see the truth of love slowly sinking into him. Yesterday marks the first time he was able to spend the night at his grandmother’s house. He really wanted to do it before, but when bedtime came, he was too frightened and wanted to come home to his own bed.
Last night my husband and I went over there at bedtime, so I could put it him to bed and reassure him that I would come get him after breakfast. He was rocking himself on his bed, and I laid down with him to soothe him. He looked at me, and with great determination, he said, “I am going to do this, Mom!” And to my great pride, he did.
So all of that is to say that love redeems. Love – parental love mixed with lots of parenting classes and desperate prayers for help – is redeeming a boy from a broken past to a beautiful future.
If mere human love can do that, how much greater is God’s redeeming love for us! He can take us, sinners who are far more broken than any child from the toughest background imaginable, and He transform us into the image of His Son. He makes our dirty sinful selves white as snow, irrevocably separating our sins from us as far the east is from the west.
Psalm 103 says it beautifully:
“The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.”
And again, in Romans 8:35-39
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 Just as it is written,
“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
God is redeeming me, along with my son. Parenting a child from trauma is challenging. Nothing in my life prior to this has ever shown me my selfishness more, or my lack of compassion, or my impatience, or my pride. I need my rough edges to be cut down, my sinful attitudes to be sanded away. How thankful I am that the God of Heaven loves me enough to refine me.
How about you? How is God working in your life?
If this encouraged your heart, please share. We never know who is hurting and may need some uplifting words.